My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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