turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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