We're like a lot better than the average bears
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
cat food counts as protein by the way
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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