JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
