Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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