How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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