i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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