Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
