Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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