when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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