If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
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Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
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Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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