My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
where does the pee come out of this thing
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
