dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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