Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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