Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
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The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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