chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
