I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
