Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
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Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
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On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm like, not good at living.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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