We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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