I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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