Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
