You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
