I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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