Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
