My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
