paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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