I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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