no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
