My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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