Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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