bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
