There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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