the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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