tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
