I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
are you so shy because you have an std?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
