watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
