see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
