I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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