What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
