i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
