Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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