Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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