Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
pop tarts are not kleenex
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
