ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
