At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
