It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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