i would punch a child for taco bell
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
