I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
