There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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