Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
