Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
