the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
