You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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