either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
