why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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