every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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