So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
