remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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