Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
